I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about fitting in. I live in the suburbs of a large metropolitan area, in a nice middle-class neighborhood. I don’t talk much with my friends about being frugal, about saving money or my desire for a simpler lifestyle, as I think it would fall on deaf ears. Or worse yet, I would simply not fit in.
It’s not that I don’t like the people I spend time with, quite the contrary. I find many of them to be interesting, vibrant, and intelligent, and they balance out the homebody in me. It’s just that, whenever I broach a subject that borders on simplicity or frugality, I get a blank stare.
I ponder how to balance spending time with people I like, but who are so different, with my concerns about being drawn into a different lifestyle. I am really not attracted to a lifestyle that is centered around fashion, home decor, the latest gadgets, popular travel destinations and such. What appeals to me more is the idea of living in the country, moving farther out, maybe having a few more animals and working towards some measure of self-sufficiency. When my friends gather and start talking about having eaten at the trendy new restaurant, or taking a cruise on a popular line, or which store has the best deals on furniture, I listen but have nothing to contribute.
At the beginning of the summer, some friends asked what my vacation plans were. When I said I had none, I think they felt sorry for me. I could not articulate that this was really by choice; that perhaps I would take a short trip to the beach, and that would be plenty to keep me happy. Early in my career, I had the opportunity to do fairly extensive travel within the US. In the last few years of working, I did some international travel as well. I can’t say that I enjoyed it, and I certainly had my fill of it. Now I prefer to stay home and enjoy the local sites, taking an occasional daytrip or short overnight trip. But how can I explain this to people who thrive on much more exciting lives?
It feels like I am living a double life. I live in the suburbs of a fast-paced city and this is just how people live here. I am optimistic that I will find more kindred spirits when I move to a slower, quieter, lower cost-of-living area. In the meantime, I just have to work at finding that balance between wanting to spend time with people I genuinely like and trying to remain true to myself.
So, do you find yourself not wanting to admit to your frugal ways? Do your friends admire and respect your choices, or do you keep many of them to yourself? I’m interested to hear how some of you manage a frugal and/or simple lifestyle while living in the midst of rampant consumerism.
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Tags: simplicity, thrift
September 17th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
First off, I agree. Consumerism is overboard and we’ve all been contributors at some point.
I think with non-frugal friends (and any friends for that matter) it’s all in how you present your frugal lifestyle.
Take this example: going to second-run dollar theaters instead of new theaters where the cost is $9. When I discuss these second-run theaters I don’t say…”I can’t afford the $9 ticket. Spending that much is crazy. So I go to cheap theaters.”
I say, “Hey, I love going to these old school theaters..it’s fun in a retro kind of way, and we can go to twice as many movies.”
The statements both say the same thing…one is positive and the other negative.
I feel your frustration though. With some friends, it’s all about the bling and nothing less.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
As a recent shopaholic who has mended her ways, I worried about how friends would react as well. Fortunately, most of my friendships are based on more than shopping, so it isn’t a big deal if I window shop while they buy. I have noticed, though, that while it’s been great fun to announce paying of my credit cards on the blog, in real life I get more mixed reactions. A lot of that comes from people’s own worries and fears about money more than from judging me, so I just remind myself of that and change the subject.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:38 am
@PT - You are absolutely right, a positive message makes a much better impression. Sometimes,though, there are entire conversations to which I can’t even contribute! It is good to find like-minded people here
@My Daily Dollars - I’ve noticed that too. Friends can be supportive of us but perhaps they don’t really understand our financial goals. I have gotten some mixed reactions to retiring early. When people say to me, “but you are so young”, I try to just say “thank you!”.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:42 am
I struggle with this a little bit. Luckily with a job and a child, people don’t bug me too much about not fitting into a particular lifestyle (’cuz we’re “too busy”). I do have friends who really love to eat out, and are disappointed when we don’t join them. We *do* join them, but they don’t realize that we limit our eating out to about 3x per month, which means each friend is only going to see us once every couple of months.
I do have a friend who tells me “you’re rich”, and I say “nope, I’m frugal”. We’ve never gone into detail, which I think is where he has his misconception.
September 25th, 2008 at 10:58 am
@Marcia - Thanks for your thoughts on this. That’s interesting that you have a friend who assumes you are rich; perhaps he has read some of the “Millionaire Next Door” books and is aware that those of us who save and conserve may in fact have more assets than those who participate in “conspicuous consumption”.
Since I’ve never been very interested in material things, I usually don’t have the latest “thing”. On more than one occasion I’ve had a friend offer me their old “thing” when they upgraded to a newer one. I guess they think I can’t afford it, when in reality I really just don’t want whatever it is.
It is so interesting to see how all our perceptions differ!
September 28th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I am so glad I stumbled into your blog! Good reading stuff. Being an individual who earns a living in the lending industry, enjoys real estate and finance tremendously, have spiritual outlook and lives a life of simplicity: i totally can relate to living “frugally”. I used to find it disturbing that I was looked at at being “stingy” instead of being discerning financially. I do not indulge in materialism as that does not bring me content. I, in fact feel sinful if I am lavish, as I feel I should use that money to help someone more in need. I long to meet folks of similar persuasion. i.e. who are comfortable financially and enjoys simplicity, who does not flaunt and is aware that there is more in life than ones’ own indulgences. That there is great pleasure in helping others and that we walk God’s path by living thorough acts of decency, compassion and kindness. Maybe we of similar persuasion should form a ring of friendship.
Keep up with your wonderful blog.
September 29th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
@Lena - Thank you for your thoughtful comment! I am glad to find others like you who feel this way. Over the years I’ve had friends tease me in a good-natured way about my frugal ways, but I have little interest in materialism. I hope you stop by again.